I guess this is the price I have to pay for eating so much sugar and stealing all that candy for so many years. A worried mom, worried friends, blacking out when I stand up, feeling like crap after I eat sugar, one seizure and two episodes of going unconscious and now it's starting to affect my music. I sure wish I hadn't been so stupid and tried so hard to get candy that was gonna kick me in the ass once I got older. Just the other day bucket dragged me to albertsons in a headlock for twice microwaved egg rolls. >_< oh well, I love you anyway bucket.

Grrrrrrrr why does everyone want to buy me stuff? It's not like people don't know I can't find a job but the last thing I want are pity gifts. First a 75 dollar urahara costume (that wasn't a pity gift though) and now pendulum tickets from like 3 people? Pendulum tickets, well, ok. If it's from the right person. But 75 bucks is a bit much. Not that I don't accept gifts but not when I haven't done anything to deserve them.

I have been very deprived of inspiration to do anything artistic for the past few months. The only pictures or photographs I've edited lately are ones of bucket and krae-ahnn and some siggys and avatars for new forums, and don't even get me started about my musical inspiration dilemma I've been having. I've been seriously worrying if i'm even going to finish AOOD at all. Which is a shame because it's headed in a good direction so far. I guess it's just some depression set in from hanging out at my dads too long and not eating enough to counter the effects of my hypoglycemia combined with the fact that i've hit a massive wall expansion wise. I guess i'm just not content with making the same quality tunes I am now. Not that the tunes I've most recently made aren't good. Everyone likes them and I like them. But i'm not satisfied with them and I don't know what to do to break out of the constricting shell limiting how I write music called my mind. Though I haven't given up music entirely yet. I'm currently working on getting Reason installed and set up on my moms mac at home. If all goes right I should be able to transfer my sample collection and refills over and be up and running in an eviroment that doesn't depress me and remind me that I have to get a job every 5 seconds. I have worked on some beats and various starters side stuff like my coldplay and yann tiersen covers (which I can't put on an album) but most of them are not good enough to bother making into full songs. I've already learned from experience that if I make something that I don't like into a full song, I still won't like it and i'll just have wasted time on something that won't be heard by anyone but me. I just get irritated when I have an album that's 50% done and every demo I come up with that IS good i'm unable to find a way to develop into a whole tune. Though i'm glad to say that my main doubt I had with my mastering and instrumental skills is pretty much gone since the demos i've made recently actually do turn out pretty kickass. And yes, I could easily just loop them and make a full song that, but that would suck out every expressive aspect of my music and I only write music because of the fact that it's one of the few creative outlets and ways to express myself that i'm actually good at.

On a side note, i'm currently writing this on my phone. I'll put it on the computer later. I actually do have a computer available but I can never seem to write anything while sitting at a computer because i'm usually too grumpy to do anything. So while i'm at it, i think i'll also post an old blog entry from my myspace that I wrote in english class at college in 2005. I had forgotten about it and I guess I should repost it now. It's funny to see how i've changed since then. Even though I haven't really.

"I have to say that sadly, not many people see my serious side. (Partially my fault.) So people tend to think I would rather be off somewhere playing with a dead salmon than carry on a normal conversation. Which I don't care about anyway. I don't care what anyone's opinion of me is. Why should I spend my day trying to impress everyone else when I should be trying to make myself happy? If they don't like me the way I am than screw them. I also hate people who stereotype me. Usually I slide into the "Geek", "Radical", "Happy-go-lucky" or "Loner" categories in peoples minds when I am neither. (And lets just say, I'll never find myself caught dead in the jock category.)
I promised myself I would never become a stereotype because the last thing I want is to become just another generic human being and have people expect me to act a certain way. If the world was just full of the same types of people nothing would ever change.
I think its safe to say I don't have as much sexual attraction to girls as the average male. If I'm attracted to a girl it's usually because of her personality. If I'm going to be attracted to a girl because of her looks, she's gotta be pretty damn hot. And asian.
I'm more of a listener than a talker. Sometimes I'm a little too forgiving. I forgive people who don't deserve to be forgiven, and I tend to let people trample over me without speaking up for myself. But honestly, it doesn't bug me. At this point in my life Ive already been through so much shit that it takes a lot in order for something to upset me.
Music is by far my most favorite thing in life. By music, I mean music I would listen to. Not country. Not to say those are bad genres of music, I'm just saying, to each his own. I'm talking about the kind of music that brings about a euphoric experience. Whichever type of music for you that may be. For me it's mostly alternative drum and bass and breakbeat because that's what I've grown up on. And not all alternative, the song has to be good. I do listen to a lot of music though, as you could probably tell by my music section on my myspace. (FYI That list only includes the bands that I like more then one song of.)
I'm a very open person as you can tell by reading this, because, like I said before, I could care less about what a person chooses to think about the information I give. I think not enough people these days fell secure enough to share how they feel with other people. So they keep it bottled up, and eventually go crazy and become axe murderers. I would prefer not to become an axe murderer."

I think the only reason I've had trouble finding a motivation to get a job is because I only have one job that I really want. I want to help people. I never understood what my mom would mean when she would say "being a co-worker with god" but now I do and every other job is insignificant. If the only reason people will give me to get a job is money, then I don't see how I could have any motivation. Money is not something I want. Money is a convenient thing to have because of the way we use it nowadays.